Di-Havana

Welll I've moved twice again. Alright so I'm in the air force and I have the tattoos to prove it. I saw jake today. Hes going back to Iraq next week. I just don't know about it. But thats life.

And I have a family. I am redivivus.

A lot of things have happened. I've made a commitment to the ARMY. I should be off within the year. I've lost all the bits and peices of the immediate family I used to have. I miss my brothers. I want to give up on Jake, but something won't let me, and I need to get away. Hes off in iraq now. He'll be ok though, he has to. I've been repairing computers for $20 bucks an hour, which is nice. I live in a trailor in the woods surrounded by cars that don't work. Everything will be ok if I can only get my diploma.

I don't know what to write or say or do or anything right now. I just heard my best friend is leaving me to join the army. I don't know what to do. I told her I will go with her if she goes. I don't want to though. That would be one of the biggest decisions I could make, and damn I don't want her to go through it alone. I just want to cry. I wish there was someone who could make the decision for me, but I know that could potentially be one of the biggest mistakes of my life either way.

Jake and I are talking a little bit here and there. He says he was just kidding but I dont know whether to believe him or not. He told me he was engaged. I've never felt an emotional stabbing so deep. It was all I could do to not tell him how much it hurt. I need to look into his eyes and know whether or not hes actually engaged. I'm scared to let him see into my eyes though. I know he can see exactly how I feel when he does. I don't want him to know.

So I'm shaking and cannot talk to anyone. Give me strength and someone to talk to to tell me that everything is ok. Everything will be all right. But I'm not ready for Jake to be gone. I'm not ready to let my best friend go. I love them both and I don't know if I can handle them being gone.

John, help!Its starts out I’m watching Dougie for the night in our apartment. I am looking for something, but I don’t know what so I walk down the hallway towards shannas room, when I get halfway down the hall everything changes and I’m not in the same apartment. Its still our apartment but everything is different. So I continue to shannas room still looking for something but when I get there shannas room is a lot different. Its still all of our stuff but it seems to be on a stage, like you might find in a middle/high school.. There are glass sliding doors that are her bedroom doors, and then to the right there is another door leading to a living room type area. But somehow when you walk out of her room there isn’t a living room to the right there is an alcove with some ivy and just green plants sitting on a shelf. Also there is ceiling fan hanging from a hook right above my head. A little more to the right is a door that leads to dougies room, where he is sleeping. Suddenly I notice its getting dark and I need to turn on the light, but there are so many switches I can’t figure out which one turns on the light. After I finally find the right switch and turn on the light. As soon as I hit the switch the fan comes off the hook and almost hits me on the head. I managed to catch it before the fan blades could come down on my head but now I can’t find the switch again to turn the fan back off. So somehow I managed to find the pull string and turn the fan off. I set the fan on the floor and climbed up to a place where I could re-hang the light. Once I am back on the floor I got this horrible feeling like I can’t move very well, I can’t breathe, and I just feel like I’m so drunk I’m going to die.. I am walking through the house trying to find something, and yet feeling like I’m going to die. I can still hardly move and its just scary as hell. Finally I went outside to see if I can find someone to help me. Suddenly my father is there. He asked me if I was ok and how everything is going. I respond with “I’m not ok, I don’t know what but something is very wrong. and I think I need to go to the hospital now” but nothing is really coming out of my mouth but air. And as I was talking (or not talking) it was dark all the sudden and he couldn’t see that I was talking. He must have assumed that everything was ok because he walked away. I’m still trying to talk when I lose all my strength and pass out. I don’t remember where I woke up but I was freaking out. I kept trying to find someone but I couldn’t for the longest time, when I finally go into the room adjoining shannas and I find doug sitting there with amber in his lap. I knew doug was cheating on shanna so I didn’t do anything, I just got pissed. I can’t get them to stop fooling around so that I can ask them what happened. I kept saying over and over again, “Aam I ok? Did my father get me to the hospital? What happened and is dougie ok?” but they just wont listen. Finally I get him to pay attention to me and by this time he’s not wearing any pants.(although amber is still fully dressed) As I got a little bit closer I noticed that dougie was right there, and obviously ok, so I was relieved at that. But I noticed that dougie was biting his fathers erection, which really disturbed me and I pulled him away. So I still cant get doug to answer me. When I get him to listen somehow I get the idea that if I do something (I’m not going to say what since I’m in school, but I did notice that he was wearing a condom I don’t know why I noticed that but it was very obvious to me. ) He’ll tell me. So I figure whatever and do it. But he still wont tell me. And I get really pissed and go to try and find shanna again. So I go back into her room. When I get in there she’s not paying any attention to me because she is moving all of our stuff out of the stage/room. I also notice that there are more lights on and I can see that instead of walls there are more stages off to the left and right. I have the idea that it’s a school and maybe I should go try and find someone to help me. So I go to the back of the stage/room and suddenly there are children all around me doing a puppet show and I’m low crawling through them trying not to be seen by any audience there might be. When I finally got to the back of the stage I found an older woman in her 60’s or so watching the kids from the back. I figured that she must be a teacher. So I asked her where I was and what was going on, she told me that this was stage four and to my right were stages 5 6 and 7. I could see that to the left of me were more kids doing puppet shows and I didn’t feel like crawling through any more kids so I went to the right and saw a door around a 45 degree angle (it looked sort of like the school was shaped like a hexagon. I went through the door and saw a play place . I decided to go in to try and find some one I might know to tell me what had happened. There are two ways to enter and I try to go through the easy way but there is a through to try and find somebody but there is a black man and his son coming through and they wont let me past so I decide to go the other way. The other way is a slide made of slip and slide plastic so I go down this but halfway down the slide closes itself off. The roof of the slide here looks like monkey bars that have plastic rings going across the top. I think that that I’m supposed to try and get through the holes., so I try and find a spot to get through when all the sudden the slide opens up and I slide to the bottom. When I get to the bottom I see some penny machines that look like the pencil machines you might see in a school office. I somehow know that you’d get gum out of them and I wanted some but all I had was a quarter and a nickel. But there was a quarter machine that would give you change back. So I did that and got back some French roasted peanuts and a bunch of pennies along with another nickel. So I got in line behind two girls for the penny machines. I heard one ask the other what color she got and I noticed that they were holding colored eyeliner in their hands, and I got confused, but I put my penny in the machine after they left anyways. And got 5 colored pencils. They had plastic caps on them and I thought cool, that’ll protect them I realized at that point that I was getting anywhere at this place, so I left (the way that I tried to get in the first time). So somehow I ended up at the hospital. . I found a girl with I saw a girl there who I thought was Rachel with really shot hair, one way or another I recognized her and she knew me. So I tried to ask her what had happened if my father had brought me here, if I was ok and what was going on. But she just kept talking about why she was here. So I got pissed and as we were walking along I noticed some glass doors that looked like the doors that lead to shannas room from the hallway so I step through the doors and realize that there is no floor and that I am falling. When I hit the ground I realized that I was back in shannas room. All of our stuff is back in her room and all our stuff is back in the room. Shanna is there too and I ask her if m ok and if I had made it to the hospital and what was going on but she’s not paying attention to me like she doesn’t see me. So I walk out of her room and I see the light switches again. A soon as I saw the light switches I got the same feeling I had before. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like I was walking under water, I couldn’t talk and I just felt like I was so drunk I was going to die. My chest felt very heavy and I remembers falling against the wall and slowly to the floor and everything going black. It felt like death. The feeling I had throughout this dream was hopelessness and despair, especially despair. When I woke up I opened my eyes and the Simpson’s were still playing on TV and Lisa said to homer(but I swear she was looking at me ) If your not careful”

Yeah So heh, Hi. My template is all messed up, I'm sorry. I don't really have time to fix it.

Sorry its been so long. I moved. Twice. I'm about 45 minutes from my parents. I can afford a computer in a few months so I'll be back soon.

I hate my mother. More on that later. living with my father sucks. I'll be gone soon though. nothing really interesting about my life. Im in drivers training. Instructor thinks I'm such a good driver he let me go on the freeway second day. yey. ok I'm done my hands hurt. bye!