Thursday, January 31, 2002
Hey Ned, those blinking things are cool, whats the html?
Di-Havana Fales [10:30 PM]
Umm hey Sean can I see those pictures? I really want to see why the hell I'm involved in it. diana_fales@yahoo.com. Uhh thanks.
Di-Havana Fales [10:25 PM]
Trent rocks, If he were a real guy, I would be very attracted to his personality. Personally I think he and Daria should have worked out. But thats just me. :)
John,You never said anything about that dream I had on the 29th. With the two dollar bills and the feeling that felt so damn real. Well I only mention it because I had it again last night. And I remember no more or less about it. I'm kind of confused.
I would like to say, even if they are bull shit I like john interpretations. They make me feel more like my dreams arent just be being a crackhead, they could mean something. And whats more something that makes me feel better about my every day life. And what he says usually helps me be less stressed, can get stuff out of my mind and move on, think well if it means this I may be insecure, but at least I'm not insane. Kind of thing, just an example (I know not a very good example, I'm having problems today.)
We had to get up and go to school today despite horrible weather and road conditions. Then they let us out after 5th hour, so we only missed one hour. Apparently the teaches wanted a full days pay, screw the 20 reported accidents that happened with kids on their way to school during their first real winter driving, I want my money! Rumor has it the same thing will be happening tomarrow. Well if the roads aren't plowed and salted I'm not going. In the middle of my street I dug down to the bottom there was two inches of packed down snow to drive on! It was nearly ice actually. Call me crazy, I don't to die with 50 people I don't know. I want to either die alone or with friends.
Di-Havana Fales [9:43 PM]
Wednesday, January 30, 2002
can you promise me you'll love me forever and a week
can you promise me you'll be faithful for as long as I return the favor
can you promise me you'll be the man I'll always expect you to be
can you promise me the sun the moon the sky and stars
can't you promise me anything
I saw you shake your head and smile
I heard you laugh heartily at my expense
I see the way your eyes shine in amusement as you look at me now
I see the way your shoulders shake ever so gently as you turn away trying to hide your laughter
I hated you then
but now I smile
when I think about the shocked look in your eyes
when you felt the cold metal against your rib cage
the way you drew in your breath sharply as I moved it down just below the end of your rib cage
and the way the blood felt
dripping down the handle onto my hand
just after I slipped the cold steel into your stomach just a half an inch or so
now you plead for your life
because you can feel me removing the blade
and angliing it to go into your lungs at any moment
your voice
its so compassionate now
now that I hold your life in my hands
I can feel your lips on mine
murmering now about how all is forgiven
and about the life we will lead together if only I would drop the knife
I touch your face for what I very well know will be the last time
and look into your eyes smiling
"its too late now" I whispered softly
as I plunged the blade far up inside you
puncturing your lungs
If only you had recognised your chance when you had it my love I said as I kissed him goodbye
I sat and watched the light fade from his beautiful eyes
making sure he saw my smile to burn in his mind forever
and then walked out of his life forever
the proudest day of my life
But I will miss those jet-black eyes
and the soft warm touch of his hands
so weathered from years of hard work
he had his chance
so I took mine
I wrote this almost a year ago, I don't remember why, or how I felt at the time. I think its kinda interesting though.
Di-Havana Fales [10:09 PM]
Wow, Jimmahs background really looks like a certain illegal substance to me. (A substance that I believe that for safeties, and the economies sake should not be illegal by the way).
Di-Havana Fales [5:32 PM]
Tuesday, January 29, 2002
How can I not cry? He doesn't even like me anymore. Hes had sex with her.
Di-Havana Fales [10:54 PM]
Ok, well I've been trying to avoid saying this since I know I'm a teenager raging emotions blah blah blah. But I hate my mother. Even when shes being nice as possible, I hate the bitch. I hate her. I can't forget everything she's done to hurt me in the past. She kicked me out the house when I was 14, twice, both times she was forced to let me back by the police as was reported to by a teacher who heard me complaining about having to sleep at a friends house. What the hell is that? I'm sure now shes only keeping me here beause I'm a profit for her. She gets well over a hundred dollars a week for keeping me here. If she sends me to a family members house then she won't get it, they will. So yes, I hate her. Maybe someday I will be able to forgive her as I can anyone else that wrongs me, but not now. Theres so much more I know now that I didn't before. So many things I can't tell anyone. So many things I only told Jake and Jeremy (I trust the kids more than anyone else, though I probably shouldn't), so many things I need to tell someone but I don't dare. God I need a hug!
Di-Havana Fales [6:46 PM]
Haha an entertaining sub-concious eh? Thats a nice way to put it. I love to hear interpretations of my dreams, even if I don't like them. Which I haven't disliked even one from you so far. I suppose that will do, although I did greatly enjoy Part I and it ws the original peice of writing that got me hooked on the blog (its like a sickness isn't it?). Heres another dream up for analyzation:
There was alot more I'm sure, but this is what I remember right now, more will probably come back to me later. There was something about a fifty dollar and two 2 dollar bills. A bet or something. Then I was laying down next to Jake (I'm not sure if it was my jake, or pretty boy from my school jake, which I'm puzzled about) I dont know how I knew it was him, I just had the sense that this is jake(even in the dream I was unsure as to which Jake I was with) and hes bringing me much comfort and joy. Anyways I was laying with him, but he wasnt so much laying as he was slouching on the couch or chair whatever it was and I was laying next to him. I had my head on his left shoulder and had my left arm wrapped around his. We were talking about nothing in particular but then he took out the 2 dollar bill with some obvious grease stains that I don't know where they came from on it. He said this is very important to her. I touched it in a spot which seemed to be incredibly important to me and him both. I said I know, he hugged me and then we just sat. What really sticks out is how real it felt. I could feel his skin against my cheek and hand. I felt warm, safe, loved and very comfortable. And I wasnt afraid to let other people see that we were together.
I miss my Jake.
(its over between us, I don't know if I posted that, I'm still not anywhere near over the pain)
Di-Havana Fales [6:11 PM]
Monday, January 28, 2002
If only one thing is certain. Fate is a jackass.
Di-Havana Fales [7:23 PM]
I don't know exactly what I feel towards my mother, John, but it certainly isn't strictly daughterly love(much resentment, annoyance, frustration, though this may and probably is just a teenager being a teenager, you know?). My father it seems to me is mainly the person invading in my space, searching through my things and such. Rather fortunately he has completely dropped from both my life and any dreams I might have. However my mother is around the house a lot of the time. Which drives me insane, and I feel a major need for personal space.
I know my life is great, why can't I just be happy though? Damned hormones hehe.
JimA...awww adorable pics :)
JimS...I love Daria!!
Di-Havana Fales [6:26 PM]
Sunday, January 27, 2002
John, what ever happened to I could've been a Marine Pt. II? I'm still very much looking forward to it. Until then heres a dream I had last night.
It wasn't very complicated. It was just the middle of winter and I kept finding cats outside. Well I found one dog. And normally I'm not allowed to have anything more than the sweet adorable little dog I already have. But since it was the middle of winter my mother (who was in a constant state of sleepiness, never leaving her bed, always either sleeping or laying there staring off into space looking stupid) was like ok well they can stay in here for the night. So every time I found one I'd bring it in, and before I put it back outside the next day she was like, well we can keep it until someone claims it. That was ok with me. I found one cat that was small (well, they were all small, either kittens or puppies) and grey and white striped (mostly gray) that my mother said I could keep. And I found a black one that my mother wanted to have for herself. Then the next day I found what appeared to be a scottish terrior puppy. I took it inside, and the first thing it did was jump four feet off the ground onto the television, so I gues it was a cat too. Well I came upstairs and asked the people in my room( there were like 20 guys all yelling at two guys in a circle that were fistfighting) if they had seen my cat around. One answered me, well he happened to be a guy thats in my world history class (oddly enough in his uniform (hes the goalie for midlands varsity soccer team)) he said no they hadent seen it around. So I walked into my mothers room (folowing all the guys who were walking into my brothers old room, out) I walked into my mothers room where all of the other cats were (there were five or so by then) and asked her if she had let it out of my closet. She said no so I went back into my room and opened my closet door, which oddly was the size of my bedroom(the closet, not the door), and found my cute little kitty playing with some clothes on the floor. I put the newest addition on the floor next to her. Oh yeah while I was in my mothers room I asked her if I could keep this one too, she said yeah cuz well, its cool it looks like a dog, but its a cat. So yeah. I went outside to check the mail and on my way out the door the phone rang and I picked it up, wrong number. But next to the phone was a list of all my friends numbers with letters next to them on the wall. Next to Jakes name in particular I noticed it said "He seems to be a nice enough boy" next to it which confused me. I reliased then that the numbers corresponded with numbers on the memory dial, and that my mother had all my friends on speed dial. That kinda creeped me out. But I shrugged and went outside. I found a cute little dog huddled in the bushes right outside the door. It was one of those cute fat little wrinkly puppies. I set him iside the door and started walking towards the mailbox. Thats when I woke up.
Di-Havana Fales [3:43 PM]
I did my nails, like really did my nails, for maybe the second time in my entire life last night. It was kinda fun. Now I have honkin long nails in bright pink and blue, fun. It actually makes typing more fun, just the feeling of having two surfaces of your body hit the key at he same time, its pretty cool. But thats just me.
I want a cat. We had two when I was little but then they were hit by cars following us home, poor oreo. I loved that cat. And without one my parents insisted on giving away the other one(popcorn!). Ever since I've wanted another, but my mother doesn't like them anymore. So when I move I'll definately get one, if not two. No, just one.
Di-Havana Fales [12:02 PM]
Saturday, January 26, 2002
I'm tired of the game. Your game. The game where you bend the rules. Your own personal candyland. You don't own me, or do you? I follow your rules. I try to play your game. Why can't I win? I just want to win is all! Just once. Please let me win. I say please to you far too often. Please don't make me say please anymore. I don't want to beg anymore. I clean up after all your laziness. I pick myself up after every fall. Should I have to do that? Do I have to do that? If I don't why do I feel like I do? If I think I do then therefore I do right? So I do need to do all these things. So why is the world wired to eat me alive? Should I suffer for your lack of being? Yes, yes I should. I should carry your cross and bear your nails. Because your game taught me to. Trained me to. I'm just a faceless gingerbread man in this game. I'm sustained just enough to keep me playing. But shot down enough to be downtrodden and hurt. I'm lucky the other players (who've long given up and pity my persistence) take care of me. Keep me playing in this little battlefield of ours. I am powered by my training and the slight stimulus provided both by this, your own personal candyland. Oh but there goes my raisin eye, and my jujuby button. Whats happening now? Are you takin it back? Should I give up? But I keep going until I can't anymore until I fall into the arms of my companions. But then you cmoe back into view, the unattainable in full view, maybe its not so impossible after all. So chasing after you once more I go. Around candy houses, over licorice bridges, by peppermint stick trees. All until it happens once more. You leave my view.
Finally I lay in anguish watching you gleefully skip away. I think you get some sort of sadistic pleasure from it. This, your own personal candyland. Run one player down after another. You and your ever bending, changing, morphing rules. And I don't like it. But I must save future players from my own fate. So. Here I go again. Skipping down the same lane, watching the same marshmallow buttocks, scrambling along after despite unbearable pain, thirst and hunger. Sometimes I think your laying down. Or sleeping. Or playing with another player in some other game, perhaps an even more personal one. Battleship, or perhaps chess, thats awefully fitting. You are a king and she is your pawn. But nevertheless I must try. Maybe no-one has ever tried this hard. No-one has ever gotten this far, or this close. Is that why you keep turning around and looking at me so intently? Or am I just wearing out? Does this happen to all of them? Agh, I can't give up now. But then suddenly I came upon one simple truth; The master of play owns me. But thats ok. Because maybe not yet, but eventually he'll realise that I'm different. I won't give up. Then he himself will become a player. Instead of the master of gaming. He will no longer be allowed to change the rules, he will have to keep trying. And someday in the distant furture I will overcome him. Make the game mine. I win. This is my world. My own personal candyland. And you know what? I don't like candyland! I most certainly prefer Monopoly in fact! So there we go, this is monopoly. I am The banker and you are the shoe. Always walking. The once owned, now owns. And look and that. He who once won, he who once made the rules, and teased those poor gingerbread men, now follows as obediently as a puppy dog. In fact, now hes the scottish terrior. I like that better, you look like you have more perk now sir yes you do! But I am more responsible than you are. When you are done playing I will take you in my arms and hold you until the clouds reach down and envelope us in the beautiful colors of every sunrise and every sunset that has ever touched the gameboards of our youth. You see that? We both won in the end.
Di-Havana Fales [1:31 AM]
Thursday, January 24, 2002
Brad - I wanted to see American History X, but the chance has yet to arise, is it good? No-one I know has seen it.
Di-Havana Fales [6:16 PM]
Wednesday, January 23, 2002
Sean, I always wash my own sleeping bag, why waste the money?
Di-Havana Fales [10:31 PM]
Jim, have you heard from Dave yet?
Di-Havana Fales [9:05 PM]
Man I just slept on and off, taking short breaks to post and make sure I'll sleep at night, in the past 48 hours I slept through 26 total hours. And man oh man do I feel better. :)
Oh and thank you Ned for making me aware of Jibbers deception. I am to add not a female, and not 50! I'm forty! I'm also rather fat!
Di-Havana Fales [2:04 PM]
Tuesday, January 22, 2002
Mmm actually Devilstate completely broke up. I am obviously from the same city, but beyond that I have met all the members and personally know people who hang out with them. I am a fan, yes. I used to watch shows downtown. Unfortunately I am unable to for lack of time, as well as the fact as they broke up. The lead singer is a jackass.
The guy that sits in front of me in oral has shaved black hair. His name is Jeremy and I grew up with him basically. Great kid, was with me when a mutual friend (another Jeremy) died in 2nd grade (while we were to young to realise what we really were missing we still knew it wasnt right that he wasn't there). But I've never sat behind him in a class before, hes got wide shoulders that I can sleep adn the teacher can never tell, but his hair. Ugh there is one white hair that sticks out on his head like a sore thumb. Its driving me up a wall. Tomarrow I'm going to ask him if I can pluck the one hair, bring tweezers and everything. :)
Di-Havana Fales [11:50 PM]
I keep writing things and they just aren't good enough. Almost as if they just don't make sense, and if it doesn't make sense to me, anyone else would have a devil of a time trying to figure it out. Also, I keep listening to pop music, which is definately strange for me.
I need to have more confidence. I mean I am confident, but in strange ways. I have no problems walking up to people I don't know and saying whatever the heck I feel like. I'm confident in my body, mind, spirit, abilities, all of that. But when it comes to just walking up to Jake (weight training) to tell him something the teacher said, it takes about five minutes to muster the confidence required for me to even look him in the eye. I guess I need to go back to not giving a damn about what other people think about, anything and everything. I don't know I guess, I just need to be able to talk to people I'm attracted to without missing a beat like I can with other people. Theres always a time or two in those conversations with guys I'm attracted to where I just get completely lost. People can always tell when I like someone just because of that. Thats how horrible it is.
All the slep I've been missing decided to gang up and bite me in the ass today. I came home at 1 and have been sleeping on and off ever since, I woke up at 8 and decided that if I'm gonna sleep tonight I pretty much hve to be awake now. So here I sit tryiong to entertain myself writing shit that isn't interesting and people are probably going to regret reading. Oh well, screw you all.
Di-Havana Fales [9:57 PM]
a weird short story, not me -- the story. I'm a long story; but that's a long story. HAHA Nice story kid.
Di-Havana Fales [2:57 PM]
John I think your interpretation could be right. Actually, I think it probably is. For the most part. I'm still rather confused about the whole ladder thing. But maybe it Doesn't mean anything, I mean, almost the exact same idea, using different staircases, ropes, and ladders to get to different gravitaional pulls eventually leading me to a different space, happens in most of my dreams. well, I shouldnt say most, but 50% or so.
Di-Havana Fales [1:31 PM]
Today is as mundane as days get. The second day of a new semester, and still nothing new is happening. I'm not sure whether I should just let things be, or try and wake things up a bit. I can always find a way to make my life more exciting, after all trouble does tend to come looking for me. For now I suppose I will be a normal kid, do my homework daily, take my tests, sleep at night instead of during class.
Speaking of which I haven't been sleeping well. Deeply or peacefully. Its hard to fall asleep first and when I do I wake myself up either flipping over, or having a bad dream which I do not remember I just have a panicky feeling. Not cool. I'm not sure why, I do not seem to have any problems sleeping through class'. But when I lay down to go to sleep or take a nap in my own bed, it just doesn't work.
Ugh.
Di-Havana Fales [11:15 AM]
Monday, January 21, 2002
Devilstate Mp3's
Di-Havana Fales [9:28 PM]
Guys suck and girls are stupid...
Theres a lot of truth in that when your a teenage girl.
Di-Havana Fales [7:37 PM]
|
Di-Havana Fales [4:55 PM]
I would just like to say that Wallace and Gromit Rock! I own all three of their thiry minute shows. Looking very much forward to the next work.
Di-Havana Fales [12:17 AM]
Sunday, January 20, 2002
I'm having problems coming up with words to describe what I'm feeling right now. All I can really tell is that it sucks some major ass. I should have been able to go someplace tonight. I was invited to either go to a party or bowling, by separate people. Well my mother decided that if she was going to stay home so was I. I dunno why but I feel rather vunerable, to damned everything right now. Like everything is out to get me, and the only way to survive is to be surrounded by other people. Which my mother has decreed as impossible.
Oh well. I had another strange dream last night. I met Brendon Boyd (I think thats his name, the lead singer of incubus) and we just knid of hung around for awhile and then I like slid down a hill. I just started walking after that because the hill looked too steep to climb. Well I stumble into a room where there appears to be a war going on. Someone hands me a gun, and voila! I'm a soldier. We're fighting these guys who look like uncle sam with guns. You know those guys on stilts at parades? Yeah like them but with tacky big red white and blue starts embroidered on their chests. Which also seemed strange to me. Why was someone so patriotic they'd walk on stilts 24/7 attacking a group of american soldiers? Well, everyone dies but me, so I wander through the rest of the building and find some sort of sargeant, or whatever, a superior I got the feeling. Well we're standing at the base of some stairs and suddenly some noise starts coming down the stairs, well I point my gun at the place whoever it was would first show up at, and we wait. Its some kids who were hiding in the attic. The last kid to come down I get the strangest feeling that shes my daughter, I hug her and ask her if there are any more kids up there, she says two girls, but daddy their dead. This is the first time I realise that suddenly I'm a man. But it seemed rather normal to me, to suddenly be male, and a father. ok so I go up the stairs and find a door.
Oh crap. Another part of the dream is coming back to me. Ok so I'm in a friends apartment and there are extra rooms. I watched some woman who appeared inherently evil to me for apparently no reason, use a series of ladders and ropes and stuff of that sort to get into a different room. I waited a few minutes and then followed her being as quiet as possible. When I finished mimicking what she had done I found myself in a room which appeared to be the landing for many different staricases. The ending location of each one was labeled in a plaque hung on the wall. So I pick the one thats supposed to lead outside but I guess I made a wrong turn or something because I ended up in a school in front of my locker. Well Somehow I knew I should be getting ready to leave so I started packing up my books. I heard someone say my name behind me and suddenly theres the lead singer of incubus. Somehow this didn't particularly freak me out, but I was rather excited. So apparently someone gave him my name and locker number because I knew more about where he needed to go or something. So I took him where he needed to be where we exchanged numbers and so on. Well I went back to where I was supposed to be picked up (don’t ask me how I knew where, I just knew). So I laid down and looked at the sky for awhile and closed my eyes waiting for someone to call my name. Some girls started screaming after not more than ten minutes, saying something about incubus, having gotten over the whole idea already I didn’t even bother to open my eyes. So I’m half asleep a few minutes later and I feel someone sitting down behind me and petting my hair. I barely had to open my eyes to realize that it was Brendon. Apparently he had nothing to do the rest of the weekend and wanted to know if I’d like to hang out with him. Well of course I’m not going to turn down any guy that pretty, and after clearing this all with my ride He and I just walked around for awhile, it was at this point that I fell down the hill that suddenly became so steep it didn’t seem possible to climb, even to get back to one of the hotter men of my time.
Ok so I go in the door, and even though I was expecting it, the amount of blood that was splattered on the walls and floors disgusted me a great deal. I took the bodies of the two children and carried them back downstairs and left everyone around me again so see if there was anywhere else I was needed. I wandered my way back onto that landing (or perhaps this was a different one, I had encountered several of them on my original discovery of the stairs) and found where the word attic was enscribed and followed that stairway up. I'm not sure why, but this just seemed very logical, your in battle move to higher ground I guess. What was really weird about this was that before you went up to the attic you had to go down. Which I'm not sure what the heck thats about. I reached the attic and opened the door slowly, rather afraid of what I was going to find. It was empty in appearance from outside, but as soon as I stepped through the doors I was no more than twnty feet from Brendon Boyd again. This door opened up onto the least steep part of the incline. When the door swung shut behind me he turned his head sharply. He asked me how I got here, didn't I just walk off the edge of that hill and disappear? Well, yes and no I replied, I did obviously, but that was no less than an hour or two ago, and anyways I just came out through that door. When I turned to point at the door as I said this it vanished. I looked of course insane, but he just shook his head and said that he thought it was weird.
After that we walked for a while, lay down in a field of grass and fell asleep together, at which point the dream ended and I woke up. All very tidy and neat. I don't know, this left me with a very unsettling feeling for awhile.
So its 12 and I can't sleep, I have school in the morning, the first day of a new semester, maybe I can sleep through weight training, if I'm lucky every one else will be having an off day as well.
I got a digital camera today. I wonder if polaroid makes a good digital camera. I mean, it was cheap so whatever, if it breaks it was hardly wasting my money. But still. I wonder how long it'll last.
Di-Havana Fales [11:38 PM]
Saturday, January 19, 2002
Sean, every person deep down inside is sick and deranged. Just because you enjoy shooting things doesn't make you such.
Di-Havana Fales [2:50 PM]
I have already checked the gun laws of michigan. I am allowed to have possesion of a gun so long as its kept in a gun cabinet, unloaded(of course it is), and not shot in city property lines, which all of these things obviously are being done. To do otherwise I would have to be a few years older. One way or another my brother will take it to Big Rapids with him tonight because he also has interest in the whole thing (he himself being a legal owner of several rifles and shotguns). But I will still be looking for info on the dang thing.
I do appreciate your concerns though. :)
Di-Havana Fales [11:34 AM]
Friday, January 18, 2002
Ok so I'm stupid about weapons. I haven't shot a gun since I was 6 years old. Well, seriously shot it for anything more than fun. I used to shoot for skill. That ended though. Anyways. I found a gun in the attic which appears to be mine now. Since legally nothing in our house belongs to my father anymore. My mother would just burn it, so I am taking possesion. I'm trying to find info about the specific gun. It was made by Savage Arms. .410 Bore, 3 inch chamber, model 42. I'm curious as to the availability of ammunition and such. Possibly grounds for my grandfather and I to do shit together. :-D Of course I would have to do pretty much evreything then just show up one day. If anyone happens to know anything about the company or anything I'd appreciate links.
Di-Havana Fales [7:01 PM]
No problem Jim...woulda sent it to ben to put on my blog, but forgot his email address. I appreciate you sharing it for me :).
All the luck in the world for John's dad in his upcoming surgery.
Di-Havana Fales [6:48 PM]
He'll get here Jim I promise, like I said in e-mail, no one has really had the chance to focus on anything but exams (exept me, who showed up on day two a little bit too happy to be sober, but then again I am the once-proclaimed spokesperson for drunkenfish).
BTW Dave what happened to all your blogs between April and December 10?
Di-Havana Fales [12:56 AM]
Thursday, January 17, 2002
Sean I completely agree. Although for my skin, dove seems to be the best in the winter. Sometimes during a particularly dry spell, I'll mix some baby oil in caress hand lotion and use that as well. And how is the weather where you are? It was like summer until about two weeks ago when its suddenly a golf wasteland, here in good ol Midland, Michigan.
Di-Havana Fales [12:10 PM]
Wednesday, January 16, 2002
As I sit here I ponder to myself the meaning of life, if there is one. What sick bastard made us his experiment? Are we possibly just peices in a playing game. The missing link that no-one discovered and even if they did they would be so disgusted with our petty behaviours that he would never tell another soul of his discovery? A man who so prided himself on the idea that he was not like another man, turns around and becomes the unthinkably worse half of the very man he so prided himself on being separate from. Looking at the woodwork of the walls that surround me I find considerable change from one plank to another. Why can something we consider ourselves to be so far above aquire an originality we may not? Would life be preferable to death? Most people have no desire to find out, in fact they fear something they know nothing about. I hold no specific wish for death, but no fear for it as well, simply a curiosity towards it. I'd like to know which, if any, religions were correct/closest to the real deal. Or maybe death really is just the beginning. Just a small peice of the puzzle of our lives.
If you look at a peice of wood, and each peice you look at is more beautiful than the one before it, it rarely occurs to the mind to look at it the other way around. The first peice is beautiful yes, but by the time you'll get to the last peice your so used to beauty that one which might not have looked bad at all when you first began, now looked no more deserving to be your new table than a corpse that has been underground for 20 years.I suppose thats why they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder (by this time the idea of the elusive third eye doesn't seem so very strange does it?)
I shed tears today, for a life I never had. But it wasn't so much that I would miss the life, just the idea that there was something out there that I did not yet get to experience. Or is the right word discover? Because we do not merely experience all of the great happenings of our lives, somehow we get to be part of the makings of it, and in a way yes, discover ourselves, as well as the experience. The sun is setting right now. It reminds me of when Jeremy and I first spent a night together. The colors of this sunset so similar to the colors we took in that morning as we watched the sun rise across a dirty river. Hand in hand we watched morning come at us like a Rhinocerous with his half blind eyes, not sure what hes getting himself into but knowing he must protect his territory from whatever may be invading, in this case, our case, the night. A night which taught us so much, and left little more than a sense of right.
Di-Havana Fales [5:37 PM]
Tuesday, January 15, 2002
So hes ready now. And its not me. It never has been. It never will be. But its better that way. In the past few days I have been given more compliments. I've been told I look better. More healthy. And truth be told I feel better. I feel more healthy. A sort of guilt comes with this. I love him. I always will. I want to try and make something. Right now though, I think I like being alone. I think I've really always been alone. Figuratively. I've been with men. I've cared for them, dated them, even loved them. But I've never been really with them. I believe thats my first mistake. Jeremy and I could have worked. But I wouldn't really be had. I wouldn't let him in. That just ended up in heartbreak for both of us. I think I'm ready to be a part of something though. For now I'm good with being by myself. But soon I'll be looking for more. I know I can't let myself be messed with anymore. Its the same thing I've said over and over. But this time I mean it. I've been told by a close friend that I should probably try again with Jeremy. Through everything I don't believe he ever said a cruel word. He never really messed with my mind. Hes never even given the impression he didn't want to see me. I think it may be worth another try. I will be getting into contact with him. Get together. Just see where things go. With so much going on in my life I may just push myself over an edge. But I'm ready to be had now. All I have to do now is reassure myself I'm not letting someone mess with me. I think I deserve it. I deserve to be cared for. Taken care of. More than anything I believe I deserve to be loved. Why I wouldn't let myself be such before I havent a clue. But I'm ready now. I hope I don't do something stupid. Turn things around. Make myself go back to believing I'm not good enough. Right now I feel as if maybe I'm worth more. I know it now. I hope Jeremy thinks so. If he doesn't though, its ok. At least I put myself out there. Let my feelings be analyzed. If he doesn't think so I can wait. You can't force anything. Man I wish you could. But no matter how much you bend the world around you, it will always push back twice as much.
Di-Havana Fales [9:14 PM]
Monday, January 14, 2002
John that was beautiful, I will be putting more of my dreams up so they may be analyzed.
I did notice that in every single dream I've had about this kid we've ended up eating cheese at one point or another. Strange I thought, I wonder what freud would have to say about that?
Di-Havana Fales [1:25 PM]
Sunday, January 13, 2002
So it starts out in school, I'm walking into weight training, as I walk in the door I'm magically in gym clothes, so I walk up to the rest of m class which is suddenly full of people I know, rather than the people I know but aren't good friends with that are actually in weight training with me. I'm talking to Britnie (who isn't in my weight training class) when suddenly the coach starts calling out peoples name taking role. Pretty boy is talking to a couple of his friends over on the other side of the room by some equipment. He notices the coach is assigning machines to people for an exercise and comes over and sits down in front of the machine to the right of mine. Well the coach called me over to talk to him for a second (I don't remember about what) then sends me back to where I was. Suddenly Jake isn't wearing a shirt and it nowhere in sight (I wasn't real disappointed, hes reallyy pretty). now the coach instructs us to do some weird excercise, which is like a gerbil running in a wheel, except were on the outside of the wheel, so its really hard to stay on and not hurt yourself and not stop and stuff.so we finish that after awhile(it was not fun hurt really bad after a bit) and the coach sends me and britnie (who were taking turns out the thing, whatever it was) over to do something else real quick because the class had to share the machines on that one, and it was just this bizarre thing kind of like the last one but much smaller and much harder to do without falling on your head. Pretty boy follows us over and just watches us for awhile, laughing at me when I fall on my head, twice. then for some reason we're not in the gym anymore and I'm talking to him (which I've only done a couple times in all the time we've been in this class together (I mean in reality)) about god knows what when suddenly out of nowhere he has cheese and offers me some Then class was over and I went to lunch and blah blah blah, when one of my friends wants me to take a picture of them togeher cause they were friends or something, and so I did, but then she says hey I want a picture of you two together I was like um no I barely know him but she was just like your in a class together right? well then you know him plenty enough, You don't mind do you? Jake shakes his head no and motions me over so I'm like hey whatever, go and stand by him shes like no put your arms around his waist and yours around her shoulder, we comply and she takes the picture, he says well wait a minute get a picture of this, and kisses me (good kisser not too slobbery but not exactly dry either) and she takes a couple pictures of that. He says I'll need copies of those and walks away
HipFreak86: and that was the end of it
I had that dream last night, I wonder what the hell it means...Interesting stuff
Di-Havana Fales [4:54 PM]
Saturday, January 12, 2002
Final exams are monday, hope for a snow day for me would you please?
Someone tell Jeremy I worry about him...geez.
Half of what I say and want to say, is to no-one in particular. Its like I'm hoping somehow it'll jusy find the right person and then it'll make perfect sense.
I pray for the day that everything will come ogether and make perfect sense, when everything can just be the way it wants to be. Juat because that day is synonymous with the second I die, doesn't mean I should hope for it.
Di-Havana Fales [8:33 PM]
Exams studying pain, urg
Di-Havana Fales [7:27 PM]
Tuesday, January 08, 2002
Whats up with the mars blog? Interesting I must say.
I hate those days when things just all seem to go downhill. I had one of those yesterday. I'd rather not get into the details now, but sometime soon I'll explain it to y'all.
Wow the kid that smells good is a distraction in Weight Training, oh well, it'll be over soon enough.
Di-Havana Fales [3:06 PM]
Monday, January 07, 2002
 I am Jetpac Man.I love the outdoors; the sense of freedom, of adventure. I love the sensation of free-fall, and would parachute and bungee jump on a moment's notice. I know where I want to be, and I strive to get there, making great effort to collect what I need. I let nothing stand in my way. What Video Game Character Are You? |
Di-Havana Fales [10:16 AM]
Friday, January 04, 2002
I hate computers sometimes.
Di-Havana Fales [2:36 PM]
"Its like, what is a warrior thinking while in battle? Hes not, hes in the devilstate." ~Brad Kunst
Di-Havana Fales [10:21 AM]
Thursday, January 03, 2002
I'm back after a well, shitty, christmas break. It was hardly long enough (8 days), Scott got really sick (any good links on meningitis anyone? ), I never got to see Jake, still don't have a monitor, and I didn't get to see my other brother at all. At least I got to see all of my cousins, including my cousins kids, Jacob and Caleb (Michelle pronounces Jake, Jack, too fun now shes got me hooked on it).
I helped Steph (cousin), Dan (cousins husband) and Jean (Stephs best friend, as good as another cousin to me) move from a 4 story house (well, three stories and a full basement) into two small apartments and a storage unit. What a task. All of this packed into three days, two to pack, one to move everything. Todo para la Familia.
Thanks for the honorable mention.
I'll come up with something interesting to write about eventually. I've...
Muahahahaha
Di-Havana Fales [3:21 PM]
Hey y'all I don't have much time I just wanted to ask a quick favor.
My oldest brother is very sick, possibly spinal meningitis. Please hope and pray for him that its not.
Di-Havana Fales [10:36 AM]
