LOOKING FOR BEN EMERSON

Yossarian lives.

Another great show in Gainesville. NO! not football. OysterHead WOW!

Have you noticed the links? I really don’t know what I am doing. It’s way late for me to be messing around like this

DAVE…… I can’t believe you ate the stuff they serve on the mess decks. It’s nice to know that someone survived the military and is still somewhat normal……NORMAL?
Anyway thanks for your support. I am embarrassed to say that i just now read your Nov 6th entry. So much to Blog and so little time to Blog in

Hank Loves continues

I have to get out of here. It’s too quiet. It’s too loud. I am hungry. I am so very thirsty. A sip, that’s what I need, just a little sip of water. Only my first night and I am freaking out already. “It’s not safe here” I have to go. Got to get out…..GUN shots. Crash. A door being kicked in. Screaming and more gun shots. I don’t feel thirsty anymore. I am scared. Out of the room to the end of the hall. Kick in a door and finally I am out on the balcony. She is fast and furious, swift and sexy, she won’t leave anyone alive. They will all have to die. It’s a shame. Really, it is. The fresh night air fills me with freedom. I take a giant deep breath. I close my eyes. I leave my body behind. I love to watch her. She has the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. Her feet are always firmly on the ground. The straps on her tank top shirt are always falling down off her shoulder. Her gun is smoking. her eyes are transfixed on the body that I left standing on the edge of the night. She should shoot me now, but she won’t. I return to my skin. I slip back into my earth suit. I can barely concentrate with all the noise. I hear the screams of the living and the dying of the dead. I hear sweet ZenWei as she hesitates to kill me. I hear a million voices in my head. I hear my own thoughts and, as always, I hear Hank Loves rambling on about the end of times. I turn to the sky and I spread my wings. I jump towards the moon and I soar towards the stars. And I wonder if there are more stars in the sky than there are light bulbs on earth? From where I am it looks as if everything is turned upside down…….When did I grow wings?

So I find myself in the emergency room again. I’m wondering how I am going to get out of this one. I just need to pull it off one more time. I’ll get better after that. I’ve been working at it and I know, I just know that I am getting close. The nurse comes in to my little curtained off area. I’m sure she is glad to see that I am neither bleeding, shitting or puking. I’m just rocking back and fourth. Crazy people always rock back and fourth. I read that repetitive motions produce serotonin. I look at this medical professional and I wonder why she doesn’t take better care of her self. She has bags under the eyes and pale unhealthy skin. She is overweight and out of shape. She must know how to take care of the body. She has to have the knowledge; I guess she just doesn’t care. What else does she not care about? Me? “have you been here to the ER before?” “No.” “First time, Mr. Loves?” “Yes.” “What brought you in?” “I’m not feeling…….well” they are going to ask me is if I am suicidal and they are going to ask me if I see or hear things that aren’t there.
They always ask me these things. I usually give them the same exact canned responses. But, this time is a little different. I have intrusive obsessive thoughts about death and they may or may not sometimes include suicide, depending on what suicide is. how incredible vague is that? how do I know if the things I see and hear are real or not? What is real? How much do I tell this nurse? It seems pointless to tell her anything. She will not understand. All i need to tell them is exactly what they want to hear. All I have to do is repeat everyting that Hank Loves tells me. He wants me to take advantage of "What is" so i can better recognize "What is Not"

i was something formless yet complete.
i exsisted before heaven and earth.
without sound, without substance,
Dependant on nothing, unchanging,
all prevading and unfailing.
a mother raped by fatherhood.
never named, never spoken.



i

my aura color test scores. how many people do you think I am?
red 3
orange 5
magenta 10
yellow 8
logical tan 4
environmental tan 2
sensitive tan 3
abstract tan 7
green 5
blue 6
violet 10
lavender 10
crystal 11
indigo 11

JIBBER. The jolly kind of JIBBER., Oh, yea! Man SCI. (string cheese incident for those of you who are reading this and may not be hip to the JAM scene) (I hate people who say JAM scene) SCI kick my butt. Truly. I went on a whim. I am not as familiar with their stuff as I am with other bands, who are doing similar stuff. Bands like wide spread panic and MOE and of course the late great(ful) dead and the possibly disbanded and defunked Phish. I’m busy burning some cd’s that I barrowed from a friend. The recorded stuff is good but it is nothing compared to seeing them live. It’s been a long time since I was this excited about live music shows. I hope it lasts. This Sunday I am driving to Gainesville again. no, not for post football parties, to see oysterhead. I’ll let you all know how it goes. Coors comes from the rocky mountain state. Coors is the worst Beer in the world. ha ha

Jim while I have your attention, I had no idea that they even made 340 thread count sheets. I thought I was living the good life. I set my standard at 250 thread count sheets. Now I am going to have to rethink my sheet situation. Thanks.

JOHN, I will see you at the carefree theater. MMW

When did hippies start driving Lexus SUV’s? these kids can’t bath themselves or comb their hair but they can afford luxury off road vehicles and a cubic butt ton of Phish stickers. It freaks me out.

I’ll be hear for another 72 hours. I have to be careful. I really can’t trust anyone here. No sleep. No food, Just water. I have to be careful. The first time I was here they put the drugs in the gravy. How many busses did I take to get here? Did I ride with you in your parents car? Fuck. I’m losing it?

someone told me to read the old testament and replace every reference to God or gods with the word extraterrestrial. I started doing this. than I stopped. things were beginning to make sense and become obvious. I've thought about doing this with other religious text, but I'm afraid of what I might find. I'm still thinking about it. I'm also thinking that there maybe some similarities between UFO abductions and experiences of "profits". I'm a little afraid to go outside. I don't know who is listening to my thoughts.

ben. ben? giving up on me. going to delete me? who are you? what have you done with the real ben? I am out to sea doing my part for freedom and democracy and ben, or whoever you are, wants to delete me from the bog world cause I hadn't bogged.

it's Saturday night. really it's Sunday morning. I can't sleep. I live this exciting life? I got pulled over for speeding earlier this morning. I never see those fuckers coming. I hate cops. I especially hate sheriffs. it feels good to say that. I hate cops. they always ask stupid questions. like "do you know how fast you were going?" does he really think I know? I'm driving I got other things on my mind than how fast I am going or what lane am I in or what's that in front of me. I always say the same thing, not that I get pulled over a lot, I say,"you would know better than me." so he clocked me doing 95 going north on highway 70. I should have been going 70 on highway 95. I get confused. besides I got other things to think about besides what I am doing behind a wheel. it a complicated story because the cars not in my name and my current insurgence card is here at the apartment with all the other unopened mail that was delivered while I was out doing sailor navy stuff. the cop recommended that I slow down and gave me a written warning. he may be a nice guy, but he is still a cop. he may be a good cop but feel I must hold onto my prejudices. i can't let go of the past. i can't forgive.

people matter more than truth.

help me. where is the religion quiz?

I have a love hate relationship with everything. it is my car that I am currently thinking of. I love it. it's the best car I've ever owned. but it's still a car. it still sucks fuel and it still sucks my wallet. and it still spits out unneeded fumes into to air. and it still makes noise. noise is the number form of pollution. but I do love this car. it's the best car I've ever owned. if I had a few more dollars I would go out and by a Honda insight. I think Toyota has a hybrid on the market now. but I've never been to fond of Toyotas. I owned one of those silly mini vans. the engine was located under the front seats. this may be a good design if you live in Alaska, but in Florida it would get a little too hot for comfort. currently I drive a Honda CRX. it's really good on gas. and incredible reliable. I miss living in Philly. I never needed a car when I lived in the city. that was certainly ideal.

I read a really great book. just finished it this morning. skepticism Inc. it's by bo fowler. it took me a long time to read the book. I had a lot going on. but it's written in such a way that it is easy to pick back up. if you have an afternoon to drink coffee and read you could easily finish it in a day. after I read a book I want to talk about it and go on an on, but I'll spare you all and just tell you to read it.

I think my blog is still experiencing minor difficulties. like it's not posting. hopefully everything will get to my page. I'm concerned but evidently I'm not to the point where I am going to do anything more than comment on it. I'm lazy.

people matter more than truth

is my blog broke? am i broke? some one help me!

well if my blog is broke than so am I.

I'll continue.

thanks Ned. objector.org is a very good resource for my situation. I didn't realize that I was a Trans-blogger till I read your post on November 6. I want everyone to know that I am a transblogger and not a transsexual. not that there is anything wrong with transsexuals. I found the objector site very helpful and I have pursued other leads that I have found from that site, including calling the volunteer organization for GI rights and getting in contact with a local representative. I am no longer assigned to a navy war ship and I have shore duty orders working at a navy recycling center on base here in mayport Florida. it's not a glamorous job but it's a job that I can feel good about.