So I find myself in the emergency room again. I’m wondering how I am going to get out of this one. I just need to pull it off one more time. I’ll get better after that. I’ve been working at it and I know, I just know that I am getting close. The nurse comes in to my little curtained off area. I’m sure she is glad to see that I am neither bleeding, shitting or puking. I’m just rocking back and fourth. Crazy people always rock back and fourth. I read that repetitive motions produce serotonin. I look at this medical professional and I wonder why she doesn’t take better care of her self. She has bags under the eyes and pale unhealthy skin. She is overweight and out of shape. She must know how to take care of the body. She has to have the knowledge; I guess she just doesn’t care. What else does she not care about? Me? “have you been here to the ER before?” “No.” “First time, Mr. Loves?” “Yes.” “What brought you in?” “I’m not feeling…….well” they are going to ask me is if I am suicidal and they are going to ask me if I see or hear things that aren’t there.
They always ask me these things. I usually give them the same exact canned responses. But, this time is a little different. I have intrusive obsessive thoughts about death and they may or may not sometimes include suicide, depending on what suicide is. how incredible vague is that? how do I know if the things I see and hear are real or not? What is real? How much do I tell this nurse? It seems pointless to tell her anything. She will not understand. All i need to tell them is exactly what they want to hear. All I have to do is repeat everyting that Hank Loves tells me. He wants me to take advantage of "What is" so i can better recognize "What is Not"

i was something formless yet complete.
i exsisted before heaven and earth.
without sound, without substance,
Dependant on nothing, unchanging,
all prevading and unfailing.
a mother raped by fatherhood.
never named, never spoken.



i