Chicken Monkey Donkey

I have to admit to you that I am a brilliant genius, unfortunately I have never had an outlet for my creativity. So beneath this dull, mediocre, cubicle jockey lies a savant. A true renaissance man. But I have had plans, if I had the drive these plans would reward me with critical fame as well as financial rewards. Melissa & I would finally be able to afford those teen Japanese twin lesbian cheerleaders we've always wanted to, you know, do stuff around the house - oh I know, to be babysitters! Nonetheless, listed are my plans foiled by that evil sinister sorcerer that I like to call, effort.

Kiddie Porn Stars - this was to be a power punk trio in the style of Superchunk, Sonic Youth, Sebadoh, or Horton Heat. I was to be the singer, lead guitarist, & songwriter of course, Melissa would be my bassist, & her friend Emily would be drummer. Sadly, the two girls had no work ethic at all & I was never able to get them in the studio. I felt just like the Chipmunk's manager, always yelling "Alviiiin!!!!". Of course the other problem was that I can't sing, I can't play the guitar, & most of all - I can't write (this is being typed by my secretary - Marcy).

Cannonball Run IV - a modernized take on the classic Cannonball Run films of the golden era of cinema, the early 80's. Starring the newest batch of hot cinematic buddy teams such as Matt Damon & Ben Affleck, David Cross & Bob Odenkirk, Ben Stiller & Janeane Garofalo, Owen & Andy Wilson, Ann & Nancy Wilson, Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton, Courtney Love & the dead Kurt Cobain, & maybe even some new couplings like Tom Cruise & Buddy Epstein (watch out Tom, you're about to be upstaged!). I think Buddy is dead though, well never mind then, I can't fucking make this film without Buddy.

The Lando Calressian Show - a proper prequel to Empire Strikes Back, Lando is city manager to Cloud City, a thriving municipality - as long as Lando's nutty roommate Yoda doesn't mess anything up! Yoda is always up to hijinks, & as the season pilot would explain, Lando has his arms full whenever Darth Vador comes to visit. Lando is always able to patch things up despite Yoda, but thanks to Yoda, he also learns something very special, something called friendship. "Uh Oh, spagetti-o's!" - that's Yoda's signature exclamation whenever he get's into trouble (& that's a lot of spagetti-o's!).

.....

This is just an opportunity to understand why I don't & won't post regularly. There is nothing in my head. There are events taking place, but don't events always take place? Even when there is nothing going on, that nothingness takes up a lot of time. But I'm unable to write about it. So this post is to simply let you know, even though there are events taking place & at times that includes nothingness - I simply do not have the capacity to write about it.

I could write a lenghthy blog about my wife calling me because she is heading to the house during the workday so she can meet the plumber. Maybe I could even be whimsical - which is my greatest ability - & propose that she is going to have sex with the plumber. But I'd rather not.

Nope, there's nothing to see here. Move along. I'll post something when I feel like it.

AI in the news


This morning AI contestant superstar gravytrain singer Yolanda was literally cohosting the morning 'news' program on channel 5. I literally jumped up & down with excitement with my tongoue literally out of my mouth & then my bowel movement began.

I was wearing boxers with dockers & the force of the feces tore a hole through my boxers. After the initial shit missle, the aftermouth roared out, bubbling up & covering everywhere in my boxers. A full 30 seconds of massive diareah followed streaming down my legs. My pants were ruined as I stood in a pile of human stench as the steam rose up from the once spotless hardwood floors into my nostrils. It was horrible.

But then a minute later I saw Yolanda assisting with the weather. They then zoomed into her hometown of Snellville on the map & got really excited. Oh no - this resulted in massive tension of pure happiness that instantly flowed out of my bowels. It was far worse, the noise alarmed our cats & Melissa ran into the bedroom to see what was going. She screamed with horror at the site of my pants stained from the inside with shit & the floor with streams of diareah flowing down our uneven floor.

She franticlly asked me what is going on, how could I do this? I explained to her that Yolanda from AI was on the news, & that I literally shit in my paints from excitement. She understood. She had, as well as I, shat in our pants - or in Melissa's case, on the doctor - when we had our ultrasound showing our living baby. I only wish I was able to control my excitement, my pleasure - is my curse.

I'm a bandwagon Iggy Pop fan. I thought he was ok before, but when Trainspotting was released, I then became the "Iggy Pop personifies my lifestyle" kind of fan. If Iggy Pop worked in a cubicle that is. But the song 'Lust For Life' made me a big fan. Great thumping bass, sung in a half daze of pet tranquilizers & thinking, "This song is going to be big! I bet American Bandstand will be begging me to come on the show!", along with the typical 70's theme: kinkiness.

But my whole view of the song changed when it became the national anthem of wholesome family fun with Captain Steuban. I simply can't picture Gopher dressing up in women's clothing - oh sorry, but I can, that was the episode that Gopher pretended to be Doc's fiancé - anyways I digress. Nonetheless as I listen to the song now I think of completely different things now. So, please allow me, to translate the song for you.

Original:
Lust For Life
Iggy Pop

Here comes johnny yen again
With the liquor and drugs
And the flesh machine
He's gonna do another strip tease.
Hey man, where'd ya get that lotion?
I've been hurting since I've bought the gimmick
About something called love
Yeah, something called love.
Well, that's like hypnotizing chickens.

Well, I'm just a modern guy
Of course, i've had it in the ear before.
I have a lust for life
'cause of a lust for life.

I'm worth a million in prizes
With my torture film
Drive a gto
Wear a uniform
All on a government loan.
I'm worth a million in prizes
Yeah, i'm through with sleeping on the sidewalk
No more beating my brains
No more beating my brains
With liquor and drugs
With liquor and drugs.

Well, i'm just a modern guy
Of course, i've had it in my ear before
Well, i've a lust for life (lust for life)
'cause of a lust for life (lust for life, oooo)
I got a lust for life (oooo)
Got a lust for life (oooo)

Oh, a lust for life (oooo)
Oh, a lust for life (oooo)
A lust for life (oooo)
I got a lust for life (oooo)
Got a lust for life.

Well, i'm just a modern guy
Of course, i've had it in my ear before
Well, i've a lust for life
'cause i've a lust for life.

Here comes johnny yen again
With the liquor and drugs
And the flesh machine
He's gonna do another strip tease.
Hey man, where'd ya get that lotion?
Your skin starts itching once you buy the gimmick
About something called love
Love, love, love
Well, that's like hypnotizing chickens.

Well, i'm just a modern guy
Of course, i've had it in the ear before
And i've a lust for life (lust for life)
'cause i've a lust for life (lust for life)
Got a lust for life
Yeah, a lust for life
I got a lust for life
A lust for life
Got a lust for life
Yeah a lust for life
I got a lust for life
Lust for life
Lust for life
Lust for life
Lust for life
Lust for life

Newly translated:
Have Fun On A Boat

Here comes our entertainment director again
With the foosball & punch
And the shuffleboard
She's gonna host another karaoke.
Hey man, where'd ya get that lotion?
I've been hurting since I got a sunburn
About something called skin cancer
Yeah, something about skin cancer.
Well, that's like trading in a Cadillac for a Lincoln.

Well, I'm just a fun time guy
Of course, I've won in Yatzee before.
I'm having fun on a boat
Because of fun on a boat.

Bingo is worth hundreds in prizes
With my F24 & B7
Drive a golfcart
Wear a Hawaiian shirt
All on a credit card.
Bingo is worth hundreds in prizes
Yeah, I'm through with sleeping during the massage
No more sleepy foot
No more sleepy foot
With the foosball & punch
With the foosball & punch

Well, I'm just a fun time guy
Of course, I've won in Yatzee before.
I'm having fun on a boat
Because of fun on a boat.
etc....

I'm going to be a dad. There, I said it. I've been unsure how to write about it or when. But what the fuck, might as well state the obvious. I'm not the type to write moving personal tales of struggle & emotion, so this was difficult figuring how to bring it up. I could make some wise ass remark, but that doesn't feel right. I'm nervous & excited & for a rare time in my life - actually feel honest about something. No sarcasm or self depreciating comments, to quote Bruce Campbell's Ash in the 'Evil Dead' series: "It's just me baby".

And I hate ending this post with no zingers - but I can't make myself post one. I've got a few in my head but to be honest - I don't want to jinx anything. Weird actually being afraid to joke about such a matter, but Melissa & I have been trying for a few years & she's gone through a shit load of tramau I could never fathom. So it wouldn't be right to her for me to joke about it. Maybe when we feel more confidant that nothing is bad going to happen, but for now I can only wait out for all the scientific biological mumbo-jumbo that's going on in Melissa to finish.