Wednesday, May 19, 2004
My Failed Plans
I have to admit to you that I am a brilliant genius, unfortunately I have never had an outlet for my creativity. So beneath this dull, mediocre, cubicle jockey lies a savant. A true renaissance man. But I have had plans, if I had the drive these plans would reward me with critical fame as well as financial rewards. Melissa & I would finally be able to afford those teen Japanese twin lesbian cheerleaders we've always wanted to, you know, do stuff around the house - oh I know, to be babysitters! Nonetheless, listed are my plans foiled by that evil sinister sorcerer that I like to call, effort.
Kiddie Porn Stars - this was to be a power punk trio in the style of Superchunk, Sonic Youth, Sebadoh, or Horton Heat. I was to be the singer, lead guitarist, & songwriter of course, Melissa would be my bassist, & her friend Emily would be drummer. Sadly, the two girls had no work ethic at all & I was never able to get them in the studio. I felt just like the Chipmunk's manager, always yelling "Alviiiin!!!!". Of course the other problem was that I can't sing, I can't play the guitar, & most of all - I can't write (this is being typed by my secretary - Marcy).
Cannonball Run IV - a modernized take on the classic Cannonball Run films of the golden era of cinema, the early 80's. Starring the newest batch of hot cinematic buddy teams such as Matt Damon & Ben Affleck, David Cross & Bob Odenkirk, Ben Stiller & Janeane Garofalo, Owen & Andy Wilson, Ann & Nancy Wilson, Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton, Courtney Love & the dead Kurt Cobain, & maybe even some new couplings like Tom Cruise & Buddy Epstein (watch out Tom, you're about to be upstaged!). I think Buddy is dead though, well never mind then, I can't fucking make this film without Buddy.
The Lando Calressian Show - a proper prequel to Empire Strikes Back, Lando is city manager to Cloud City, a thriving municipality - as long as Lando's nutty roommate Yoda doesn't mess anything up! Yoda is always up to hijinks, & as the season pilot would explain, Lando has his arms full whenever Darth Vador comes to visit. Lando is always able to patch things up despite Yoda, but thanks to Yoda, he also learns something very special, something called friendship. "Uh Oh, spagetti-o's!" - that's Yoda's signature exclamation whenever he get's into trouble (& that's a lot of spagetti-o's!).
Kiddie Porn Stars - this was to be a power punk trio in the style of Superchunk, Sonic Youth, Sebadoh, or Horton Heat. I was to be the singer, lead guitarist, & songwriter of course, Melissa would be my bassist, & her friend Emily would be drummer. Sadly, the two girls had no work ethic at all & I was never able to get them in the studio. I felt just like the Chipmunk's manager, always yelling "Alviiiin!!!!". Of course the other problem was that I can't sing, I can't play the guitar, & most of all - I can't write (this is being typed by my secretary - Marcy).
Cannonball Run IV - a modernized take on the classic Cannonball Run films of the golden era of cinema, the early 80's. Starring the newest batch of hot cinematic buddy teams such as Matt Damon & Ben Affleck, David Cross & Bob Odenkirk, Ben Stiller & Janeane Garofalo, Owen & Andy Wilson, Ann & Nancy Wilson, Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton, Courtney Love & the dead Kurt Cobain, & maybe even some new couplings like Tom Cruise & Buddy Epstein (watch out Tom, you're about to be upstaged!). I think Buddy is dead though, well never mind then, I can't fucking make this film without Buddy.
The Lando Calressian Show - a proper prequel to Empire Strikes Back, Lando is city manager to Cloud City, a thriving municipality - as long as Lando's nutty roommate Yoda doesn't mess anything up! Yoda is always up to hijinks, & as the season pilot would explain, Lando has his arms full whenever Darth Vador comes to visit. Lando is always able to patch things up despite Yoda, but thanks to Yoda, he also learns something very special, something called friendship. "Uh Oh, spagetti-o's!" - that's Yoda's signature exclamation whenever he get's into trouble (& that's a lot of spagetti-o's!).
