Chicken Monkey Donkey

I have to admit to you that I am a brilliant genius, unfortunately I have never had an outlet for my creativity. So beneath this dull, mediocre, cubicle jockey lies a savant. A true renaissance man. But I have had plans, if I had the drive these plans would reward me with critical fame as well as financial rewards. Melissa & I would finally be able to afford those teen Japanese twin lesbian cheerleaders we've always wanted to, you know, do stuff around the house - oh I know, to be babysitters! Nonetheless, listed are my plans foiled by that evil sinister sorcerer that I like to call, effort.

Kiddie Porn Stars - this was to be a power punk trio in the style of Superchunk, Sonic Youth, Sebadoh, or Horton Heat. I was to be the singer, lead guitarist, & songwriter of course, Melissa would be my bassist, & her friend Emily would be drummer. Sadly, the two girls had no work ethic at all & I was never able to get them in the studio. I felt just like the Chipmunk's manager, always yelling "Alviiiin!!!!". Of course the other problem was that I can't sing, I can't play the guitar, & most of all - I can't write (this is being typed by my secretary - Marcy).

Cannonball Run IV - a modernized take on the classic Cannonball Run films of the golden era of cinema, the early 80's. Starring the newest batch of hot cinematic buddy teams such as Matt Damon & Ben Affleck, David Cross & Bob Odenkirk, Ben Stiller & Janeane Garofalo, Owen & Andy Wilson, Ann & Nancy Wilson, Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton, Courtney Love & the dead Kurt Cobain, & maybe even some new couplings like Tom Cruise & Buddy Epstein (watch out Tom, you're about to be upstaged!). I think Buddy is dead though, well never mind then, I can't fucking make this film without Buddy.

The Lando Calressian Show - a proper prequel to Empire Strikes Back, Lando is city manager to Cloud City, a thriving municipality - as long as Lando's nutty roommate Yoda doesn't mess anything up! Yoda is always up to hijinks, & as the season pilot would explain, Lando has his arms full whenever Darth Vador comes to visit. Lando is always able to patch things up despite Yoda, but thanks to Yoda, he also learns something very special, something called friendship. "Uh Oh, spagetti-o's!" - that's Yoda's signature exclamation whenever he get's into trouble (& that's a lot of spagetti-o's!).

.....

This is just an opportunity to understand why I don't & won't post regularly. There is nothing in my head. There are events taking place, but don't events always take place? Even when there is nothing going on, that nothingness takes up a lot of time. But I'm unable to write about it. So this post is to simply let you know, even though there are events taking place & at times that includes nothingness - I simply do not have the capacity to write about it.

I could write a lenghthy blog about my wife calling me because she is heading to the house during the workday so she can meet the plumber. Maybe I could even be whimsical - which is my greatest ability - & propose that she is going to have sex with the plumber. But I'd rather not.

Nope, there's nothing to see here. Move along. I'll post something when I feel like it.

AI in the news


This morning AI contestant superstar gravytrain singer Yolanda was literally cohosting the morning 'news' program on channel 5. I literally jumped up & down with excitement with my tongoue literally out of my mouth & then my bowel movement began.

I was wearing boxers with dockers & the force of the feces tore a hole through my boxers. After the initial shit missle, the aftermouth roared out, bubbling up & covering everywhere in my boxers. A full 30 seconds of massive diareah followed streaming down my legs. My pants were ruined as I stood in a pile of human stench as the steam rose up from the once spotless hardwood floors into my nostrils. It was horrible.

But then a minute later I saw Yolanda assisting with the weather. They then zoomed into her hometown of Snellville on the map & got really excited. Oh no - this resulted in massive tension of pure happiness that instantly flowed out of my bowels. It was far worse, the noise alarmed our cats & Melissa ran into the bedroom to see what was going. She screamed with horror at the site of my pants stained from the inside with shit & the floor with streams of diareah flowing down our uneven floor.

She franticlly asked me what is going on, how could I do this? I explained to her that Yolanda from AI was on the news, & that I literally shit in my paints from excitement. She understood. She had, as well as I, shat in our pants - or in Melissa's case, on the doctor - when we had our ultrasound showing our living baby. I only wish I was able to control my excitement, my pleasure - is my curse.

I'm a bandwagon Iggy Pop fan. I thought he was ok before, but when Trainspotting was released, I then became the "Iggy Pop personifies my lifestyle" kind of fan. If Iggy Pop worked in a cubicle that is. But the song 'Lust For Life' made me a big fan. Great thumping bass, sung in a half daze of pet tranquilizers & thinking, "This song is going to be big! I bet American Bandstand will be begging me to come on the show!", along with the typical 70's theme: kinkiness.

But my whole view of the song changed when it became the national anthem of wholesome family fun with Captain Steuban. I simply can't picture Gopher dressing up in women's clothing - oh sorry, but I can, that was the episode that Gopher pretended to be Doc's fiancé - anyways I digress. Nonetheless as I listen to the song now I think of completely different things now. So, please allow me, to translate the song for you.

Original:
Lust For Life
Iggy Pop

Here comes johnny yen again
With the liquor and drugs
And the flesh machine
He's gonna do another strip tease.
Hey man, where'd ya get that lotion?
I've been hurting since I've bought the gimmick
About something called love
Yeah, something called love.
Well, that's like hypnotizing chickens.

Well, I'm just a modern guy
Of course, i've had it in the ear before.
I have a lust for life
'cause of a lust for life.

I'm worth a million in prizes
With my torture film
Drive a gto
Wear a uniform
All on a government loan.
I'm worth a million in prizes
Yeah, i'm through with sleeping on the sidewalk
No more beating my brains
No more beating my brains
With liquor and drugs
With liquor and drugs.

Well, i'm just a modern guy
Of course, i've had it in my ear before
Well, i've a lust for life (lust for life)
'cause of a lust for life (lust for life, oooo)
I got a lust for life (oooo)
Got a lust for life (oooo)

Oh, a lust for life (oooo)
Oh, a lust for life (oooo)
A lust for life (oooo)
I got a lust for life (oooo)
Got a lust for life.

Well, i'm just a modern guy
Of course, i've had it in my ear before
Well, i've a lust for life
'cause i've a lust for life.

Here comes johnny yen again
With the liquor and drugs
And the flesh machine
He's gonna do another strip tease.
Hey man, where'd ya get that lotion?
Your skin starts itching once you buy the gimmick
About something called love
Love, love, love
Well, that's like hypnotizing chickens.

Well, i'm just a modern guy
Of course, i've had it in the ear before
And i've a lust for life (lust for life)
'cause i've a lust for life (lust for life)
Got a lust for life
Yeah, a lust for life
I got a lust for life
A lust for life
Got a lust for life
Yeah a lust for life
I got a lust for life
Lust for life
Lust for life
Lust for life
Lust for life
Lust for life

Newly translated:
Have Fun On A Boat

Here comes our entertainment director again
With the foosball & punch
And the shuffleboard
She's gonna host another karaoke.
Hey man, where'd ya get that lotion?
I've been hurting since I got a sunburn
About something called skin cancer
Yeah, something about skin cancer.
Well, that's like trading in a Cadillac for a Lincoln.

Well, I'm just a fun time guy
Of course, I've won in Yatzee before.
I'm having fun on a boat
Because of fun on a boat.

Bingo is worth hundreds in prizes
With my F24 & B7
Drive a golfcart
Wear a Hawaiian shirt
All on a credit card.
Bingo is worth hundreds in prizes
Yeah, I'm through with sleeping during the massage
No more sleepy foot
No more sleepy foot
With the foosball & punch
With the foosball & punch

Well, I'm just a fun time guy
Of course, I've won in Yatzee before.
I'm having fun on a boat
Because of fun on a boat.
etc....

I'm going to be a dad. There, I said it. I've been unsure how to write about it or when. But what the fuck, might as well state the obvious. I'm not the type to write moving personal tales of struggle & emotion, so this was difficult figuring how to bring it up. I could make some wise ass remark, but that doesn't feel right. I'm nervous & excited & for a rare time in my life - actually feel honest about something. No sarcasm or self depreciating comments, to quote Bruce Campbell's Ash in the 'Evil Dead' series: "It's just me baby".

And I hate ending this post with no zingers - but I can't make myself post one. I've got a few in my head but to be honest - I don't want to jinx anything. Weird actually being afraid to joke about such a matter, but Melissa & I have been trying for a few years & she's gone through a shit load of tramau I could never fathom. So it wouldn't be right to her for me to joke about it. Maybe when we feel more confidant that nothing is bad going to happen, but for now I can only wait out for all the scientific biological mumbo-jumbo that's going on in Melissa to finish.

I am really getting tired of lyrics that don't explicitely state things. I don't want to decipher abstract thoughts. I don't give a shit about simile, metaphor, or analogy. So with that in mind, I will attempt to decipher a song that has been puzzling me for decades, "Afternoon Delight"

Afternoon Delight
( Starland Vocal Band )

Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
Gonna grab some afternoon delight
My motto's always been 'when it's right, it's right'
Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?
When everything's a little clearer in the light of day
And we know the night is always gonna be there any way

Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight
Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ingite
And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting
Sky rockets in flight
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight

Started out this morning feeling so polite
I always though a fish could not be caught who wouldn't bite
But you've got some bait a waitin' and I think I might try nibbling
A little afternoon delight
Sky rockets in flight
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight

Please be waiting for me, baby, when I come around
We could make a lot of lovin' 'for the sun goes down

Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight
Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ingite
And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting
Sky rockets in flight
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight

Afternoon delight!

Here is my interpretation of this complex lyrical piece.

Sex In The Afternoon

I need to locate my sex partner and hug her
I want to have sex
My philosophical view is that everything is relative
I believe I should have sex whenever I want to
In particular I wish to view my sex partner fully exposed
Besides I most likely will have sex at night

I am becoming arroused thinking of you in a sexual manner
I want to have sex with you
Our body parts intermingling during sex results in an orgasm
Again, the thought of having sex with you causes me to become arroused
Penis stiffening by arrousal
Sex in the afternoon
Sex in the afternoon
Sex in the afternoon

This morning I woke up without any arroused feeling
I had believed that not being arroused would mean I would not wish to have sex
You are arroused therefore I will have sex with you
Some sex in the afternoon
Penis stiffening by arrousal
Sex in the afternoon
Sex in the afternoon
Sex in the afternoon

Please do not have an orgasm until I do
We have the potential of more orgasms before nightfall

I am becoming arroused thinking of you in a sexual manner
I want to have sex with you
Our body parts intermingling during sex results in an orgasm
Again, the thought of having sex with you causes me to become arroused
Penis stiffening by arrousal
Sex in the afternoon
Sex in the afternoon
Sex in the afternoon

Sex in the afternoon!

I'm a good citizen. I took a stand for all which is right & sacred in America - & I called 911 on a bum! It was Monday afternoon, & I was walking from the MLK MARTA Station on my way home, when I approached the entrance to Oakland Cemetary (Atlanta's old city cemetary) & saw a young woman in a pink jacket throwing a tombstone over her head into the street. She then proceeded to walk towards the nearby street Memorial Drive.

What was I to do? Do I dare contest her super human powers? Do I confont her & tell her that it was wrong & she should clean it up & apologize? Do I beat her ass?

No! I do what any gentrifying yuppie pussy male would do - I called 911! Yaay for me! I was thinking that the media will be reporting of a corageous man who sensibly rides public transit that faced terrorism & called for help.

I talked to the 911 dispatcher (read it in William Shatner's voice, if your impersonation isn't good then try Scotty's or Spock's) & reported that she made her getaway to a local pub 6 Feet Under on Memorial Dr. I gave her my name & cell phone number & I told her I would follow her in. I was surprised that the 911 dispatcher didn't scream back "No man! That would be a suicide mission!" but she didn't, perhaps she could tell that I was stealthy & smart (that much is true, on a scale of 100 my Security ranking is 64 on Morrowind & I extensively trained myself on Syphon Filter).

At the pub it was reported that she was in the restroom washing up. What if the police show up & she made her escape? Is there a back entrance? Is she going to hurt me or touch me requiring me to wash my delicate skin? I waited. She eventually reappeared & asked for a water. The wait staff excellently took their time & attempted to divert her attention - "Great job crew! You were a rag tag bunch but I turned you into a tight squad of getting a bum to stay longer in an climate controled environment where she can sit & smoke a cigarette so she doesn't have to be outside with no water & walk all the time facing the dangers of getting killed."

Then the police arrived. I sighed a big relief, but I have got to keep my cool. I need to notify the police without raising suspicion. If she realizes that she is in a trap - who knows what kind of action she will take! Again, the danger of her touching me made me realize what was truly at stake. But I did it - I spoke to the officer & she apprehended her. I explained the whole thing, & despite the admiration & love everyone had for me I walked home alone. Defiant, a lone hero in a personal battle against terrorism. I proudly roared: "You may blow up my buildings & cause my favorite sitcoms to be preempted Bin Laden, but you will not desecrate my historic cemetary!"

Because the winds of freedom are wisping through my hair as the hands of tyrany are cut off by the sword of justice.