Drinking and smoking... Drinking and smoking... Drinking and smoking... I really can't do this anymore. I know it sounds false when a guy with a site called the Drunkenfish says he doesn't want to drink and smoke anymore. I've never made such claims on this site. (I'll have to check the archives on that one) Today I am making a claim and I will hold to it. I am through with Drinking and Smoking. I am simply done. I still want to go to parties and hang out with friends or family at the bar, but I will not personally be drinking or smoking. So there. I think I convinced myself. Anyone else buying this?
Monday, August 02, 2004
About Me
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- Name:Benjamin
- Location:New Orleans, Louisiana, United States
Liberal, Atheist, Nomadic Hermit.
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19 Comments:
Balance. The final frontier. Solution:
Buy ciggies that you must roll yourself. This will slow you down. It looks cool. Keep some apple slices in the pouch to keep the tobaccy moist. It's fun. Every chick in the place will have you roll one. Good joint practice. Keep a joint in the pouch. Sprinkle mary in the pouch. EZ, no?
Booze. Sip. Sip a lot. Sip all night. Sip. You can still get your freak on while sipping. You'll get used to sipping. It'll keep you together. What is a sip? A sip is less than a gulp and more than a taste. The art of sipping. Keep your mouth relatively shut. Don't fill your cheeks. Fill your hard palate, not your soft (the front part of your mouth.)
Every other drink is water. Sip a glass of water every other drink.
Allow yourself one shot per night, so you look like and feel like a man.
You may guzzle the water to get to the next drink if you want.
Order a tonic with a lime in it and a bar straw. Looks like a gin & tonic. Looks like a vodka & tonic.
Sip beer.
Drink water.
Do shot.
Roll ciggie.
Order beer. Sip.
Order tonic. Wave it around.
Drink water.
Roll smoke for the big-titted bimbo who digs your style.
Sip jack & coke.
2 hours have elapsed. Go to the next bar. Change bars frequently like "Swingers": "Yeah...Thie place is daed anyway."
Don't hang out in bars where other people stare.
What about Matt?
Solution: You'll still have a great time.
Let's count the drinks: 4
4 = nice little buzz. ONLY if your tolerance is sufficiently lowered through this new style of cool.
As a former guzzler of booze, you will crave and demand satisfaction--just hold on, get the tolerance down.
You'll be able to judge tolerance level by how the first drink effects you.
Let me offer myself here. When I was in Ohio I drank 4.5 cases of beer myself. Untold whiskey etc. BUT. I never got a buzz. Not the buzz I'm used to. Everyone that I know down here that knew me 8 years ago is surprised that I haven't made an ass out of myself in soooo long. For some reason, control and balance found me. But not in the same way I'm prescribing for you.
It's just that right now at home. I have 2 cases of Red Stripe and a 12 of Amstel. I haven't touched them. Ohio ruined beer for me. Last night I ordered wine when I took Jen out to dine. I had two glasses. No craving.
You know I quit smoking. But I was worried not even three years ago that alcohol would be the death of me, the prison rape of me. It's gone. It's all gone.
I have control, no craving, no compulsion, etc. It feels fucking wonderful to not feel in its grip. You will find it to.
If you go cold turkey...I suspect it won't work. That's my outlook. But don't let me stop you; and don't blame anyone else for either trying to stop you or trying to get you to drink. It's all down to you. But I believe that self-control is where it's at..
Sure, it's fun to get wasted. But like: BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.
Man, I don't know what's scarier: recklessness or maturity.
Maturity gets you confidence but it sucks not being invited to all the bashes. At work, I'm like the old man who doesn't meet people downtown anymore. Five years ago I was still "the life" in certain respects. It was a tough transition. But, hey, I'm married. That accounts for 75% of my change, I'm sure.
But you can't wait until you're married to change. You may have just recently "heard the call." You're sick of it all. Fine. But how you react is important in that you'll either find confidence or you'll strip yourself of it.
What I mean is that if you go to extremes, it's like a cop out. "I don't drink."
"Why? Oh...hmm...yeah...I know...good for you. Hey, man, I'm proud of you. When do you get your pin? Do you have a sponsor? So what does an alcoholic do in N'awlins?"
I mean, do you want that? Fuck. I hated being an alcoholic. Bullshit. All you need is CONTROL. Like don't lose yourself in the warm bush of inebriation. It's simple.
Anytime you get drunk, it's like you want to meet God. But He doesn't live there, you're at the wrong house. You wind up passed out with your dick in your hand and spittle down your cheek.
At work, there's twenty-somethings all over the place because I still wait fucking tables. Yeck. Heave. Gag. And so, they are all still running around having fun. But, upon closer inspection, they are also getting DUI's, arrests, fights, hangovers, defaults on bills etc.
What am I missing? Nothing that I haven't completely submerged myslef in for a Long time.
But let's say you go to France. Are you not going to try the wine? Everybody smokes in France. Going to try and find a diaper-ridden "family" bar?
Let's find Ben Franklin, shall we? Look him up. Call him. Here he is:
Moderation, me boy. Enjoy life.Easy rule of thumb: DON'T LOSE YOURSELF.
Doing so is a symptom of self-laothing. And the apparent solution is: ditching yourself, which is completly the opposite of what you need.
Self-control is the hardest method; but it pays off like the lottery. You'll suddenly be the guy at the party that can outlast everyone else. It's fun watching people make fucking asses of themselves.
I thought it would be so horrible to be the almost sober guy. Not so. You must ask yourself: do you like hangovers? Do you like not knowing what you did the night before? Do you like to begin your mornings with an apology for yourself?
And then ask: Do you like being the crippled guy at the party that everyone is worried to drink around because he....yeah. "Hey, Ben, you want a O'Doul's?" (I don't think you wanna here that.)
Just be the guy that actually gets laid at the party because all the other twits are too wasted to get their dicks in the air. While you, having drank all night like everyone else, manages to still retain an edge of sanity. Your conversation is delightful. You can ride the drunk chicks home. You can help them take their tight stockings off. Next thing ya know (you single bastard) the lights click off and it's happy time for Benny Boy!!
Points well taken John. I've tried control and have been successful in that I rarely make a complete fool out of myself anymore. The fool I make out of myself comes from my daily life. My body just can't take drinking or smoking anymore. I've not been sleeping. I believe because my stomach is tossing and turning, and I believe that is because of the alcohol and cigarettes I consume on a regular basis. I don't want to be that guy who everyone worries about drinking around. I will not be known as the alcoholic in my circles. I don't even think I'm an alcoholic. I will from time to time have a glass of wine in which I will sip for a long time to be social, but I will never smoke again. I will never purposefully get drunk again. That is the goal anyway. There may be slip ups from time to time, but that has to be my basic rule or I will never have the life I want to have. I'm anouncing my retirement from binge drinking and cigarettes as of yesterday's date. I have earned this retirement for a long successful hard working drunken career.
Ben, hang on to that liver - those fuckers are expensive! Nonetheless I'll agree with John, don't go cold turkey, just take it easier. Sip more, or if you remember get girl drinks. They're expensive as hell and have enough sugar to give you a ringing headache. But usually after a few I'm full & have a buzz. And also I'm too broke to spend any more money on a apple martini or a rum runner.
But whatever it is - you don't want to go so long without drinking that you get that urge. If you build that urge up too much you'll have a hell of a bender. But as for my advice - take it or leave it, I'm a light drinker. I usually don't like the taste of beer anymore (I don't remember the last time I had a Guineess), can't stand gin, whiskey or scotch anymore. I go for mixed rum or vodka drinks and wine. As for wine - if you find a type of wine you really like you could grow to appreciate the taste and not WANT to slam it down.
As for smoking - no idea, I never smoked. But just know you have a fan in Atlanta cheering you on. (that was the gayest shit I've ever written, sorry).
later...
I will join Brad in the gayness: You have a fan (and lover) in Florida cheering you on!
Oh my God.... I think I just made Ben want to smoke & drink again.
You know what would be a great revival: Thumb-sucking.
I'm serious. Contentedness would reign once again. Bars would be quiet. You pull it out when you have something to say.
People wouldn't drink much because they already kinda have something.
Smoking? Uh-uh. Why? You've got a thumb. James Taylor would change his song: "You've got a thumb...oh yeah...you've got a thumb."
The Stones: "Suckin' my thumb----my nail, feels so, good to my tongue. Suckin' my thumb, well, I-I could still suck it somewhere else. It's down to me----oh...the pressure, suction....and release----down t'me, the changes come: SUCKIN' M-Y-Y-Y-Y THUMB."
Anyway, aside from the ensuing lyrical changes on a mass scale, imagine bar life. Everyone standing there, thumbs in mouth. "Hey, buddy, whatcha drinkin'?"
No answer.
"Hey, pal. What's yer poison, huh?"
Still. No answer. You pull it out: "Come on...I'm suckin' here...!"
No need for psychotherapy. No need for the childhood pain of slapped hands and shame (which, by the way, led all of us to drink.)
The bottle...only a replacement to the thumb. The ciggie, still...a replacement. Thumbs don't give you bad breath.
DWS: Driving While Sucking would be the only thing. But that is completely accepted by society. People display which hand they use immediately. Look he's a lefty. How'd you know? Ah he's sucking on his left thumb, stupid. Oh...
I'm telling you, all problems: SOLVED.
This new sensational trend yields even more benefits:
Imagine, you meet a very pretty girl at the bar. You can see that's she's smiling behind her thumb. She playfully rocks her shoulders back and forth, blinking slowly, aiming her glance to your feet, then back up again.
A Ween song comes on the juke: "Makin' time breakin' ground, sail brown bay to chocolate town."
She pulls out: "You like the new Ween?"
You pul out: "Yes." Stick back in.
She's sucking furiously.
You hold still.
You begin emulating her furious suck. It dawns on you. You used to babysit this girl. Damn, are you that old now? Shit.
You pull out: "Aren't Leslie, from Indiana? Leslie Post...is it?
She pulls out: "Huh! Oh. My. God. She walks away."
The bartender asks you if you're a faggot. You pull out: "Nope. I babysat her." Stick back in.
Bartender: "Why'd you tell her that?"
You pull out: "Because I'm sure later she'd recognize me. I have a particular birth mark on my upper right thigh."
Bartender: "You sick bastard! Get out!"
You quietly leave the bar with your thumb back in your mouth. But you pull out just before you leave and turn around: "Thought I was a faggot, huh?? Whos' the fag now? Hmmmmm? Hmmmmmmmmmm?"
Sorry bout that. A little exercise in twisted perversity out of boredom. We will return now to our regularly scheduled program.
New Ween? You mean 'Quebec'?
feh
Don't dig it, huh? I dig it. That and Morrissey's You Are the Quarry is all I've been listening too lately.
hanging out in bars, going to parties, sipping wine, and rolling smokes is no way to quit drinking and smoking.
how about going to movies, the library, a coffee shop. jogging, the gym. i think things like that would be more successful.
anyway... i'm really hung over, and am sick of being hung over, so i feel yer pain.
good luck!
?
Not that this is of any consolation, but John - I've been listening to Franz Ferdinand.
Oh, and that post above is a little NSFW or NSIYWISBY (not safe if your wife is standing behind you)
Re: Ferd...I'll check em out.
Wisby: Especially if the wife is naked. Jiggly as it were. Isn't it grand. The motion of supple, soft, sexual flesh--warm, sheltering, encouraging, uplifting; smothering in some respects, happily smothering, hmmm, damn, no words.....
I worship at that temple. I'm slave to it. And of the steeples, stiffened bells toil, curvature of space & time; rich men become beggars, and beggars, rich men. I thank God for eyesight, beauty, sexual license, and the ability to easily swallow my own saliva without choking.
sick and tired of being sick and tired? i say go for it, ben. jibber's got some good suggestions, though; don't just stop doing something, find something else to do instead.
good sleep is important. you're smart to seek it out.
You know who I am. I've known you for thirty-six years. All your friends have given you really useful advice. This decision on your part will help you. I don't think you're an alcoholic; I think you've gotten into some bad habits and not made an attempt to change them. John's advice is best, I think: don't quit, just set a limit and then STOP. But things are going to start changing anyway. Clubbing will become a bore, but women in other places will notice you've cleaned up your act. Expect a deluge of interest. Keep studying for the LSAT. I don't pray because I don't believe in God, but I do believe in you. Life's going to turn around for you in cool and demanding ways. Rely on family and friends in new territory. You'll soon be all right.
This person, me, loves you.
Final word on this subject for me is that I've decided to drink less. A huge step down from my original claim, but hey.
Cheers!
after speaking with you this weekend, i must admit that i'm impressed with your efforts thus far. ;p
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